10 Things We Know After Opening Day

(No, that's not Sidney Ponson. Honest.)

1) The Yankees will be fine, now that Bobby Murcer is alive and Cory Lidle is dead. (What, too soon?)

2) The Red Sox will react to an opening day loss to Gil Meche (ha ha ha ha ha ha!) and the Royals, where Ol' Bloggy McBloggermouth got cuffed around, with tact and decorum, because after all, it's a long season, and Boston knows not to overreact to every little thing. (Will Francona be fired? SHOULD HE? MUST HE? FIRE FRANCONA NOW!!!)

3) The A's will not score runs, and will regret not paying a lot of money to Frank Thomas forever and ever.

4) Carlos Zambrano's contract drive year is going to be super. Just like everything else in Cub Land.

5) That Dodgers-White Sox World Series we predicted? Worthless!

6) A-Rod -- MVP. We're like, Kreskin and shit.

7) The Phils have a bullpen problem? WATFO?

8. Our new college basketball overlords are the team we knew would win all along, but we had to let Truth make the picks, due to those compromosing photos he has of us with Leni Reifenstahl. (In the words of Handy from The Tick, READ A BOOK!)

9) After climate change floods the world's cities, triggering a nuclear apocalypse from desperate nations trying to scrounge every last acre of usuable land, and humanity has perished in a sad final journey to the Arctic regions in search of the last usable water, Vince McMahon will emerge, whole and hearty, from his underground lair and sell a pay-per-view event. And it will draw.

10) We used to have a tenth point on this list, but then we looked at that Damon Tampex box again, and we lost the will to live. So cold. So very, very cold...